i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
