Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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