i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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