he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
