you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
