and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
