I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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