Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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