so that wasnt chicken after all
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
