you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
