I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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