I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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