if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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