My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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