its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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