So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
