Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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