Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
