I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
