I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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