you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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