He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
