cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
