I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Randomize
