So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize