Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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