apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
