why im i the only drunk person in the library?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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