omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
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What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
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He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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