I wish my penis had an off switch
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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