Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
