twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
