I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
