She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
