I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
