The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
