I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
