My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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