She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
