I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
