Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
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Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
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WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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