she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dicks are not precious.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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