I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
