Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
