I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
