Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
