i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
