You just made me feel so damn special
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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