At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
