I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
