she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
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Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
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I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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