just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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