Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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