I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
