I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
