I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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